Day 80

Book I am currently reading.

Will expound on feelings later.

And Hi :)

Day 77

What do you do when you begin to realize your limitations and capabilities (and incapabilities), and you find that you're unhappy with what you discover?

And efforts to surpass them fail, time/time/time again?

Are you supposed to accept your own mediocrity? Or accept disappointment repeatedly?

I mean... denial can only last you so far.

Day 76

Day 75

I think it's finally time to reveal a little secret I have been holding from everyone. It deals with a summer love. A very one-sided summer love.

I don't know his name, nor do I care to learn. I call him my baby, my habibi, my cute watchmen, or whatever whimsical name that pleases me for the day. I see my baby every day on my walk to class. Always that same smile, a smile that sees neither the complications of life or complexities in unhappiness, just an open and honest smile on his very attractive and kind face.

The whole thing really just started with a few stolen glances, a quick glance to verify his existence, a little validation to the skips of my heart. Several weeks passed by and it evolved into those small, shy half smiles, ones that gave a little bit of spice, a little bit of character to my walks. And now, I've gotten gutsy/crazy enough to whisper a little goodmorning, a little nonsensical greeting for a foolish crush.

I hope it doesn't make me a sad person if this person isn't real. If he isn't made of flesh and bone, but rather paper and ink. Is it sad that in either case, he still gives me little flutters in the morning. A secret crush, an unspoken relationship that doesn't mind when I project my thoughts, hopes, and feelings into the cosmic space between us in hopes to escape from them.

And I hope it doesn't make me crazy for feeling this way, cause I rather enjoy his presence and my sanity. I may have not succeeded in finding a skin-and-bones man, but in the end... they serve the same emotional purpose. A listening and caring ear.

And I'm happy for it.

Day 68

For Nic.

Garcia.

Day 67

Alright I need to complain about something today. It involves people’s sexual fetishes and fantasies.

And I’m going to describe what happened in a crowded public men’s bathroom in a very large mall.

So I get to the bathroom, and upon entrance you had the customary four sink, mirror, dryer, and soap dispenser on either side of you. The pathway continues and turns and after a short hallway you enter the main hygiene area with three urinals and three stalls. So I turn the corner and there was a line for the urinals/stalls, a little strange for a guy’s bathroom. A man was standing there waiting for the next available place to do our business, so I stand next to him and naturally face the urinals and stalls to keep an eye out for availability. Now mind you, obviously the stalls are facing us, and in a perfect world the guys back would be to us to provide ample cover (along with the side panels) of a guy’s junk. Needless to say, the man in the middle was a good two feet away from the urinal and facing the guy to his left. His pants were low and his hand was on his dick… jacking it off. The guy, no the little boy (I would venture to say in the mid-teens) was turned to the corner as much as he could to give his genitals their privacy from this man who was OBVIOUSLY pleasuring himself watching him urinate and the other people in line who were unfortunately facing him.

Now the first thoughts that passed my head were the motion of the older mans hand on his dick, it’s a little distracting when a guy is pleasuring himself. It also seemed to me that either the kid was having trouble with his junk or he was getting off on it as well because there was a lot of right hand action. Now just to make sure I don’t sound like a creep, this had all happened in the span of maybe 2-3 seconds max. I had to avert my eyes because I think public masturbation is disturbing and disgusting. Anyways, I was avoiding *everyones* eyes for a plethora of reasons and I resigned to looking at the ground while this was going on. The next thing that opened up was a stall in which the man in front of me quickly entered to avoid the vastly awkward and inappropriate display. So my turn. And guess what opens up but the kids stall. Apparently he had been freaked out enough, got enough off his freak off, whatever. I dreaded the short three feet walk and I took the same position. Back to the guy, face forward, with minimal vision to my special areas. The man fucking kept going. The floor of the bathroom had a little sheen and by looking down to aim (which by the way took way too long to come out, I guess I can’t go with an audience) and I could see movement on his side.

Ugh, finished my business to the best of my ability and speed and left there, avoiding looking at him, his eyes, his penis, his soul. Ugh… why? Why the fuck would you do that? If I had more of a mind I would have informed an officer.

I understand people have sexual fantasies, but he was intruding upon my personal bubble by getting a happy ending off of my urination.

Inappropriate.

Day 55

Yargggggyyy!!

I think I'm going to fill these next few days with something that has been on my mind recently. While I am no "Philosopher Savant" nor do I pretend to know what that phrase actually means.... let's just see where this little conversation will take us.

First major topic: Learning as an active endeavor.

For me, I definitely believe that my general weakness/misgiving/thing that keeps me down, has been my concept of learning, and my pursuit of it. Learning for me has always seemed to break down into two very different fields: One is learning=education and another learning=personal enjoyment. I can make this a little clearer...

Learning as personal enjoyment means the active learning that takes place when you generally are interested in something. Be it comics, movies, books, storylines of games, games, etc. You can divulge a great part of your concentration on acquiring as much knowledge as possible for a long period of time. I would be a liar if I said that I have never spent hours reading about Mutants and the Marvel Universe on Wikipedia. So while it is very labor-intensive, the enjoyability factor glazes over everything to make your time slip away and your head to fill up.

Learning as education is the other major sphere on knowledge acquisition in my life currently. I have been lucky/cursed enough so that for a considerable part of my life education has been very active. If I didn't get it now, I would get it a few hours from now when I'm playing again, or by the second or third day. Things would connect on their own and I would understand everything quite well. That ability has been getting worse and worse, for good reason. I don't like thinking that effort can be easily succeeded with natural ability/talent/graces.

That being said, in my Arabic class, I have been very fortunate to be able to catch on quickly (in the beginning) and had no trouble doing maybe one hour of homework a day, while the teacher prescribed 4-5 hours a day. I had multiple commitments to follow-through on so it worked to my advantage. But I am no longer keeping afloat in class, the other students have built their foundations on solid effort and determination, I have tried to skirt by and now obviously failing.

For me, the class can serve as a microcosm of my own life, I do well in the beginning, fail miserably in the middle (where I am now in Arabic), then I get a big burst of energy in the end when I realize that I need to keep from getting fucked.

Thats enough for today. More tomorrow. :)

How do you view learning?

Day 54

OMG. I was so excited today because I had time to ... take a nap. Like my schedule was loose enough to allow me the free time to sleep.

It was amazing.

Slash, does that make my life a little empty if a large chunk of my happiness is a result of an hour of free time?

Day 53

Am I the only one who thinks these trees are sooo fresh/crazy/wack looking?

Day 52

I am running out of money. I just wanted to share that with the world. Problem is ... I don't like working. Not that I don't thoroughly enjoy developing carpal tunnel through the repetitive use of my fingers to ... (uh huh, that's right think dirty) fold clothes. I think its mostly because I am running out of steam. Its difficult to do this, and obviously I don't have to do this, so there goes one of the large determining factors that force people, against their better wishes, to work more than one job or maybe to work at all.

But the truth still stands. I am running out of money. Blurrbbb. You'll see me on the streets working soon.

Now the question is ... leather or lace?

Day 51

My mother left for the Phillippines today. I wish her a safe trip. She will be in Japan for a day before having her little vacation for the next two-three weeks. I think she definitely needs it, my house has been crazy (8 people currently living there, two babies). My sister will be joining her (currently in Japan) the last week before returning back to the states, my other cousin in tow.

That means, within two months, my house will be housing a total of 11 individuals. It'll be a hell hole, hence my mother's early vacation before she actually decides to poison our food in return some quiet.

Day 50

Day 49

I was just thinking about our personal information in context to the public world. A blog, an update, a profile. These are all very public pieces of ourselves that we have relegated to the greater auspices of a shadowy other world. Something accessible to hundreds, thousands, etc for years now and years that exceed us. There are obviously many restrictions to this, your privacy “barriers”, choosing who can see it, etc. But in many very important ways it is infinitely much more public than a personal diary.

There’s plenty of information out there about very superficial and shallow information. I’m not here to diss on that but I am remarking on its existence. People package themselves with the information they say, even in personal blogs and its kind, the information that is eventually written is either vague, overblown, or edited.

There’s not a lot of demand out there to read about personal musings, and I completely understand. A lot of shit is out there and your personal attention span can only handle so much text (juxtaposed with many shiny and colorful pictures of course). People want their information to be directed because time is important. Posters also either must mute their own experiences because of a feared backlash against a reader who it may concern. Or they may overblow an incident/happening/issue to get a little sympathy/pity/attention.

I guess I’m just writing about it to serve as my personal commentary on blogging about life and in general, surrendering yourself to the world. After all that thought of putting what to say, what not to say, how to say it, and where to say it, are you still really being genuine? Is that person you are putting out there really you?

If not... why do it?

Or maybe the bigger question: Can we be happy characterizing ourselves in flat text, regardless of it depth or power?

Day 48

Offish caught up :P

This woman was so confident about herself. It was amazing.

Day 47

Lyrics to the song that currently haunts/bugs/inspires me:

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand,
I'm not... broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I've been in love with you...
Cos if one day you wake up and find that your missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.
Policeman says son you can't stay her,
I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that your missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy
Whos waiting on a girl...
Oohoohwoo
There on no hole in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
Hmmmm
Maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that your missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
[Repeat in backgroung]

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move.

If you could tell, beforehand, who would end up hurting you the most. Would you want to know?

Day 46

One of my favorite quotes in my life at this point:

You are not the work that you do.
You define yourself.

Especially in a time when the vast majority of the world around you measures you in work productivity and output, a student statistics, a racial census, a race's final time, etc.

You are more. Even if only a handful of people can see it, as long as you know it, you're solid.

Day 45

I think I just want to dedicate this time to a little self-reflection. You don’t have to, no one would know, but I think it would be a healthy way to spend one minute.

The person who you are doesn’t exist without everybody you have ever met in your life. However, everyone has impacted your life in varying degrees and at various times. But it should all boil down to a handful of individuals who have defined/redefined/undefined you, in either direction of “good” or “bad”.

Are you happy with your answer? With the people who have made you? What emotions escape?

I really hope that most of your answers don't include feelings of sadness.

Day 44

The day that I didn't give in. Its the next day already. My body feels it, my mind is just ignoring it, and the clock is showing like a pregnant woman leaking white butterflies on chest and providing the grass beneath her its watery sustenance. But I want to write this because I don't want time to pass me by. I don't want to be an onlooker to my life, a third-party candidate to what should be my story. So I'll just write dazed and confused as Maha (the Egyptian woman who has been whispering sweet nothings of Arabic in my ear. To her she is explaining something about her family and studies in basic Arabic. To me... she is explaining her undying love for me and how my eyes shine like the glistening sweat off of a pig in heat in the summertimes of Boise.)

I digress.

Today I came across a strange feeling in class, the emotion of jealousy. Since I'm working on my story-telling abilities I will provide you a beginning, a middle, an end, and a reason.

I have classes Monday to Friday, from 9 to 1. I sit in a classroom with 10 other people and develop spacial relationships with the individuals to my immediate surroundings. The girl on my right is getting annoying. Loud and Needy. The girl on my left is interesting, shes intelligent and logical, and funny. The girl to her immediate left is within the same vein of "coolness". Our class goes into pairings often, and I know the left-girl enjoys my presence, yet she chooses to work with left-left-girl... leaving me stuck with righty.

Its been a week and two days, yet I have this feeling of extending a hand of friendship. Something that has definitely been accepted by both left-girl and left-left-girl. But... not to the same magnitude. We don't get coffee dates. We don't text one another.

I'm fucking CRAZY.

I shouldn't care. I don't want to care. Jealousy is as unhealthy as deep-fried lard sprinkled with confetti sugar but served on the side of a salad (to make it a healthy choice). Anyways, I encountered this feeling. I needed to let that out so I can analyze my thoughts about it and "get over it" My head doesn't agree with my mind sometimes.

What are you feeling right now? As long as you don't say seething anger.. I'm happy.

Day 43

'Nuff said. Her face got stuck at such a perfect time....

Her face makes you feel _________ ?

My answer:

Uncomfortable ;)

Day 42

Hello my countrymen. Today was Pride Day here in San Francisco. The level of gayness reached a point when random rainbows would appear sans rain and dewy mist. There were gay men, women, and those that associate with a gender here in the city showing off their sexualities and support of.

That being said, it seems almost expected that I'm supposed to be excited about it. Aka, getting ready and looking good so I can go see the sights and be part of the culture/experience. But I didn't... and I don't really know why. I feel like I should have at least gone a little bit out of my way, considering all the festivities were a block away from my apartment, to see what all the hoopla was about. However, I've been in a rather strange mood. My uncle came back today and I have a test tomorrow, so I guess I used/vindicated those reasons for my absence (both physically and mentally) from the festival and parade. I guess I sort of used cleaning and studying as a scapegoat, but in reality I'm just not feeling it. I'm not necessarily in the best of all moods today.

I hope to God its not because I'm a spiteful bitch and I don't want to see certain things (mostly happy gay couples)... but I think in reality that hits closer than anything else I can really think about. I like having my freedom and my bachelor life in a sense, but I still feel a little .. hollow I guess. There's this lack of a central theme or story in my life right now. I work, I learn, and I struggle. But there isn't this overarching story. Something cohesive. Something beautiful that brings the angst/pain/happiness.

I may be comparing unfairly to my happenings last year, I had a wonderful summer in NYC, and I guess I was just hoping to recreate or live something better than that. I'm not dense enough to believe that things will be the same, but I wanted something comparable. I like what I'm doing here, I'm happy with where I am and who I am. It's just that it pisses me off to believe that this day would make me a little sad. I don't want to believe that I can't be happy by myself and that I am in need of something that I cannot provide myself. I don't like phrases like "You complete me" because on the flip side of that, you're only admitting that you weren't whole to begin with. I know/trust/wish that I am a complete person, which makes what I feel a little bit of an annoyance to me. Obviously, one can't control their emotions, but I am not the type of guy to let them hinder my life in any way... But I can't honestly say that it isn't right now.

I should be studying right now, the coffee store closes in a bit, but instead I'm here. I don't even know whats wrong with me. I was speaking to one of my close friends the other day, and he was bemoaning my single life/lack of companionship (in a sexual sense). He hated my false modesty and my apprehensive personality. I know for a fact that these past few days I could have sparked something if I put on a little effort (there have been occasions when I catch people doing dirty things to me with their eyes, and there have been moments when my own terrible eye movements have been caught and reciprocated). Yet, I seem to cling onto this very prude, or conservative, or maybe just safe, concept of what a relationship is supposed to be. I believe in a very traditional sense of a relationship. Aka, the first meet-up (which doesn't consist of meeting online, on the street, at our local mall, etc), then the dating, then the relationship, then the sex after.

I get emotionally attached really quickly, and fall out of it ever so slowly. I've never "fallen" in love. Though I still believe in it. I just.. really don't know sometimes.

Oh, so Damon. When or if you ever read this, that is why I didn't see Pride until 6:30 at on the second day. Because I'm emotionally unstable, but I didn't want to say anything, remember? I'm working on the whining. haha :P

*sigh* I'll work on life another day.

How's your life going?

Day 41

Day 40

So the first week of classes is over. Hallelujah. I am now finished with the Arabic alphabet and can I can now say "Large chicken"...

Movin on up. Thats all for today my gentle people. I have work, buhhhhh. 20 hours a week of folding clothes. I feel closer to my mother everyday.

PS. I living near the Capital Building. Always seems like someone out there has *something* to complain about. Always always. I heed the words of two very wise philosophers..

Hakuna Matata.

Just be happy. Whats the point of complaining all the time?

Day 39

AhhHhhhh this song will not stop haunting me. I've tried killing it by putting it on repeat and jamming my heart to it... but its still here. Bligey, just let me be!

How do I get songs out of my system?

Day 38

Honestly just trying to catch up right now....

But on the menu for tomorrows discussion/avoidance of homework and the like: Why my friends are so different these days, feeling disconnected, the annoyingness of whining, and communication.

Then I should be all caught up. Lets do a celebration. Lets light up like we all have a choice. Ps... all these pictures are mine from a wonderful and aging camera phone, and a pinch of photoshop love.

Feedback on how I'm working/failing this blog?

Day 37

Life is a __________?

My personal answer:

Life is a hot mess.

Day 36

First day of classes! Ahhh, the class moves so fast. Apparently by the end of the week I will have "learned", learned being the operative word there, the entire Arabic alphabet. I'm hella excited. I think I want to write about communication, languages, and the modes of human expression later. I know sounds hefty, it'll come if I don't become lame later on.

What I actually wanted to talk about today was something that I have encountered many times in my life. In all honesty, I'm not trying to be some major philosopher, nor do I believe what I say is something ground shaking, earth explaining, soul revealing. Just some thoughts.

In my experiences I get into these moods when I feel like writing, when I feel like I actually have something interesting to say, something valuable to contribute to this world. But these moments are definitely not the norm in my life. These moments are brought on by strong moments of deep self-perception and a general sadness/hollowness/sadness. There are very few moments in my life when I'm deeply satisfied with the way my life is going, and no, I'm not pandering for pity or even bring attention to that. What I mean to say is that when I am remotely happy, or excited about something, I can't seem to access what I'm thinking. I become focused on what the moments are, in very quantifiable and sequential terms. I don't start to think about what I am doing, what it means, how I feel about it, and where it falls in the spectrum of my life story...

Why is it that I have to be sad/lonely/generally not happy before I can have moments of introspection. I don't want to generalize this feeling to the general populous, however, why does it affect me so? I feel like the greatest artistic works come from deeply troubled individuals, people who have lived pain, who have suffered and found themselves, enough to make magic with thier life. That's not to say that happiness is a burden to creativity, yet the people that I admire the most either ripped of parts of their ears, died lonely old men, or became suicidal in ovens.

Or to bring it to the present. Over-emotive individuals who churn out the masses of music and writing after major breakups.

I don't know. My summer is shaping very oddly right now. Bruhh...

When do you feel the most... honest with yourself?

Day 35

First real shift at Lucky!!

It started off slow but later on that shift I was able to help a customer, he was a nice guy looking for some light pants for his trip to Bali, but regardless of his reasons he ended up paying around $500. I'm not trying to flaunt my salesmanship per se (one of my managers for example convinced a girl, who had come to the store to buy just one pair of pants, ended up leaving with about $1,400 worth of merchandise....) heh.

It made me think about all the wasted time and money I have spent (especially in high school) in the mall. I feel like my life could be exponentially better if I didn't have such vices...

The cat got the lion cut. She is now bearable to look at, her bitchiness is now dialed down a tad.

Day 34

Hi friends. I just wanted to put my two cents in here. I don't mean to be antagonistic in anyways. There is no way that an educated or informed individual in this world's populous is unaware of what is going on in Iran right now. I believe that condescending views are dangerous to progress. So this is how I see it, and where problems arise, with as little judgement on my side as possible.

That being said....

• I condemn any kind of violence against peaceful protesters and those who wish to express themselves politically. But it is when these protestors start to throw rocks and become a belligerent mob that my feelings on violence change.

At this point in my life I don't know how I feel about retribution, especially since there are so many actors in the world and retribution almost never equals what was done in the first place. The terrible and unproductive mentality of you hurt me, therefore, I will fuck you up and make you feel my pain times x. However, I don't believe that if you are acted against by an unfriendly party, you should just lay there and take it. Pride is a noble, dangerous, and very human aspect.

• Freedom of voice is an important and basic human right. I don't believe that the crackdowns against the Iranian public is ethical. But voices are never the same volume.

The media always has a large influence on any issues. There is a plethora of information out there and it is their role to select what they want to publish. Twitter/Facebook/internet are great outlets. But you have to understand that is not completely what Iran, as a country, is feeling. There are millions of people out in the countryside, a more conservative region in general, without access to a computer much less the internet. It is the younger and urban generation that is getting more of their voices heard. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is an unfair situation. Secondly, there are rallies out there proclaiming their joy of Ahmadinejad's disputed win. Do you see coverage of that?

Image of a rally/protest for Iran's public in SF.

• The results and consequences are important to the world, and there are many countries out there with a vested interest in making sure that Iran ends up in a certain way. It's a small step to having these interests and actually doing something about it.

There is a lot of tension around Iran obviously, but I get annoyed when people simplify the issue or are so blatantly one-sided to enact any kind of action. Writing off an entire faction or side because of your inability to understand or accept makes you a fool. From my studies, the Middle East has experienced a lot of trauma in its very fragmented/long history. There have been many instances in which the right of sovereignty or the right of self-determination is circumvented for various political reasons. I don't support having other countries interfere in the political process of Iran. You may not like what's going on over there, it may or may not be right, but that does not give permission to go over there and dictate your views on them.

• Burqa's as symbols.

But it depends on who that person is, who you are, the meaning behind it, the choice of it, etc. Sarkozy, the President of France, recently banned full body burqa's in his country. Now I can try to understand where he is coming from, France has many precedents and a slogan that emphasizes assimilation into a very French culture. He did it because he believes that burqa's are a sign of women's oppression. While I believe that, I know that there are some women out there that would say otherwise. For example, during the revolt against the shah in Iran, women donned on head scarves in support of a more religious government.Taking away their rights to express themselves is still taking a right away.

How do you feel about it?

Day 33

So I have been thinking a little about the progress/purpose/life of this blog. In the beginning I had written it to write about what I did daily. It was alright/amazing in the beginning because I was new to the city. I had the freshly-here feeling. The feeling that I could conquer everything, and since everything was new, there were so many amazing things to do and see. Life does change though and I have to roll with it. Things get old. Places get common. And sights become background. I have a good month stint of exploring the city for what I could. A very basic, pedestrian, and under-aged style of exploration.

What's left now is to dig a little deeper. Jab a little more into the instances of what life is. Get the cherry cream beneath the frosting if you may... I have already nested for now. And by next week I start classes, work, and more interning. So life will become repetitive in an objective way. However, I always believe my experiences to be more than what happens. A shift of perspective. Just letting you know. :)

May the travels/life/happiness continue.

God willing. in shaa' Allaah.

Day 32

Cal Academy of Sciences!!

It was a free day... so what do broke/dorky college students do? They go to free museum days and art galleries :)

Here are some pictures.. I have nothing important/funny/interesting things to say just yet. Maybe I will one day.

Day 31

Hahaha... sorry I couldn't resist. I know, glam shot. I know, photoshopped (only a little...). And I know... I look like a tool. Still couldn't resist.

So if we get your friends...

And I get my friends....

And we be friends!

Do this every weekend. :)

And now... introducting the one thing that ruins my life. Aside from the computer of course. You're reading this right now and wondering what else I could be complaining about. I'm talking about the Television. From the beginning of this summer, I have said that I wanted to escape from the grasps of television. Just because my productivty just drops to almost zero when its on. I'm not trying to be a luddite here, its just that if I didn't have any of these empty procrastinating tools, I feel like I would be so much more in my life right now. I mean I would obviously find other ways to escape my work, but they would include doing something with my hands (ugh.. you dirty dirty people, not that) aka draw, read, converse with people... something that might actually get me somewhere in life as opposed to sitting there mindlessly.

The problem is that I don't have as much control over its activity level. If someone wants to watch television, its right there for them. And I don't have as much self control as some people who can avoid looking at it.. Last summer I had no television and I was able to absorb some crazy ass books but now.. nothing. Toni Morrison is ready to smash my face in with her Nobel prize if that accomplished me actually reading her book. I will get done with it!! New goal, just fresh from the decision maker. I will finish this damn book by next week. Wednesday. Promise.

Do you know any good books to read?

Day 30

So I don't quite remember what I did today. Wait.. it's coming to me. Oh.... I got kicked out of several establishments today as I tried to finish some of my work. heh, first my own apartment because of an irate relative, then the main library cause they don't like to cultivate thinking by closing its gates on the mentally curious late at night, then Peets coffee cause they hate me.

So I ended up working on one of those brightly-colored couches that are mainly there for aesthetic reasons while having no actual comfort level. This is when my country joined civilization.

Where is my Romeo/Juliet?

Day 29

First day of interning work today!

While it may not be as mundane as coffee hunting and all that hoopla, I nonetheless am bored and way in over my head with this work. I would share it all up here for the interweb to see, but you know it goes, legal jargon prevents me from actually sharing anything.

Its alright, its just boredom deepfried in a whole lotta waste of time and maybe sprinkled with a little hard work.

Heres some random organic food to look at.

Interesting. Ain't it? :)

Question: Whats the best fruit to microwave?

Day 28

I was trolling through facebook and I noticed on of my facebook associates had posted a video. Follow the youtube path long enough you find something menial to get you through the next couple of conversations.
I personally love philosophy. I don't have a knack for it, nor the writing capabilites, but I still try. Not to conceptualize or contextualize what I'm feeling into words easily associated and understood, but rather just conversation. I like to talk.
So I guess I will continue from where he trails off into. He puts the world into this stark view of fear or laziness. Self-created walls and obstacles to what you can accomplish. I understand what he means, but I have very little patience for notions of doom and gloom. I value insights into life, but I think that without efforts into progress, these conversations become mindless babble. There must be application.
Or course you could argue that philosphers are needed to drive the engine. Theory vs. Action. But neither can exist by themselves. So the happy medium is supposed to be something that lies in between. Could his message be interpreted as an effort to move the modes of thinking of each individual into something concrete? To revitalize the mind in an effort to spark some kind of movement. To change the status quo of what holds us behind. Or to even change our daily-empty-ant routines and to instill a little thought into what we do, why we do it, why we continue, how we actually live our lives. Is he prescribing to move to the center of things?

Day 27

This is just me writing freely for now. Updating later.

So I get in these kinda sad/mellow moods sometimes. I'm not the type of person that thinks being sad or depressed is necessarily a bad thing. Especially since many find creative thoughts and feelings out of it because of it, and I think for someone to truly experience the highs and happinesses (<- I choose that to be a word) of life the individual needs to know how tough and bad things can actually get.

But the problem I have with these rollercoast emotions are that I believe that my own mood swings are partly if not a hugely affected by very shallow things. Meaning I feel that I go through these upswings and downswings based purely on my own thought processes and not through externalities. Like I make myself feel sad. Or I have moment where I say, "Yah man (not that I say man on a regular basis), I'm totally gonna get this shit done!! I'm going to do X, Y, Z, and the go back and fuck up the first parts of the alphabet that never seem get mentioned".

These little spurts of excitement for life changing and drastic measures are great and all, but because of how flat they feel, or how superficial and created they actually are, they don't last very long.

Then I get in these moods where I just have this feeling in my chest, like this ache... For reasons that shouldn't even affect me. I can't seem to be the people and persons that I admire. I can't live up how I percieve them to be, and that just makes me sad. I have issues about my height. And that's a problem because I have already intellectualized the problem .. several times. I've done the notions that its not me, it society that dictates things. Its the media. Its genetics. But there still is a palpable reality in everything and thats what always gets me down. I just, I just don't know sometimes.

I gotta go back to work. Heres a picture of a naked bike run I saw today, and by today I mean almost a week later. I was going to put little yellow walmart smiley faces on the scandalous parts, but they are too small to see... and that's not me being bitchy at all. ;)

I'm going to update the rest of the week before I go to work today (it's Friday). Hopefully there's a progression of moods. I can write about it longer later.

Question. What does the phrase 'chasing pavements' mean to you? And I don't mean what the song says about it, how do you personally interpret it.