Hello my countrymen. Today was Pride Day here in San Francisco. The level of gayness reached a point when random rainbows would appear sans rain and dewy mist. There were gay men, women, and those that associate with a gender here in the city showing off their sexualities and support of.
That being said, it seems almost expected that I'm supposed to be excited about it. Aka, getting ready and looking good so I can go see the sights and be part of the culture/experience. But I didn't... and I don't really know why. I feel like I should have at least gone a little bit out of my way, considering all the festivities were a block away from my apartment, to see what all the hoopla was about. However, I've been in a rather strange mood. My uncle came back today and I have a test tomorrow, so I guess I used/vindicated those reasons for my absence (both physically and mentally) from the festival and parade. I guess I sort of used cleaning and studying as a scapegoat, but in reality I'm just not feeling it. I'm not necessarily in the best of all moods today.
I hope to God its not because I'm a spiteful bitch and I don't want to see certain things (mostly happy gay couples)... but I think in reality that hits closer than anything else I can really think about. I like having my freedom and my bachelor life in a sense, but I still feel a little .. hollow I guess. There's this lack of a central theme or story in my life right now. I work, I learn, and I struggle. But there isn't this overarching story. Something cohesive. Something beautiful that brings the angst/pain/happiness.
I may be comparing unfairly to my happenings last year, I had a wonderful summer in NYC, and I guess I was just hoping to recreate or live something better than that. I'm not dense enough to believe that things will be the same, but I wanted something comparable. I like what I'm doing here, I'm happy with where I am and who I am. It's just that it pisses me off to believe that this day would make me a little sad. I don't want to believe that I can't be happy by myself and that I am in need of something that I cannot provide myself. I don't like phrases like "You complete me" because on the flip side of that, you're only admitting that you weren't whole to begin with. I know/trust/wish that I am a complete person, which makes what I feel a little bit of an annoyance to me. Obviously, one can't control their emotions, but I am not the type of guy to let them hinder my life in any way... But I can't honestly say that it isn't right now.
I should be studying right now, the coffee store closes in a bit, but instead I'm here. I don't even know whats wrong with me. I was speaking to one of my close friends the other day, and he was bemoaning my single life/lack of companionship (in a sexual sense). He hated my false modesty and my apprehensive personality. I know for a fact that these past few days I could have sparked something if I put on a little effort (there have been occasions when I catch people doing dirty things to me with their eyes, and there have been moments when my own terrible eye movements have been caught and reciprocated). Yet, I seem to cling onto this very prude, or conservative, or maybe just safe, concept of what a relationship is supposed to be. I believe in a very traditional sense of a relationship. Aka, the first meet-up (which doesn't consist of meeting online, on the street, at our local mall, etc), then the dating, then the relationship, then the sex after.
I get emotionally attached really quickly, and fall out of it ever so slowly. I've never "fallen" in love. Though I still believe in it. I just.. really don't know sometimes.
Oh, so Damon. When or if you ever read this, that is why I didn't see Pride until 6:30 at on the second day. Because I'm emotionally unstable, but I didn't want to say anything, remember? I'm working on the whining. haha :P
*sigh* I'll work on life another day.
How's your life going?
I may be comparing unfairly to my happenings last year, I had a wonderful summer in NYC, and I guess I was just hoping to recreate or live something better than that. I'm not dense enough to believe that things will be the same, but I wanted something comparable. I like what I'm doing here, I'm happy with where I am and who I am. It's just that it pisses me off to believe that this day would make me a little sad. I don't want to believe that I can't be happy by myself and that I am in need of something that I cannot provide myself. I don't like phrases like "You complete me" because on the flip side of that, you're only admitting that you weren't whole to begin with. I know/trust/wish that I am a complete person, which makes what I feel a little bit of an annoyance to me. Obviously, one can't control their emotions, but I am not the type of guy to let them hinder my life in any way... But I can't honestly say that it isn't right now.
I should be studying right now, the coffee store closes in a bit, but instead I'm here. I don't even know whats wrong with me. I was speaking to one of my close friends the other day, and he was bemoaning my single life/lack of companionship (in a sexual sense). He hated my false modesty and my apprehensive personality. I know for a fact that these past few days I could have sparked something if I put on a little effort (there have been occasions when I catch people doing dirty things to me with their eyes, and there have been moments when my own terrible eye movements have been caught and reciprocated). Yet, I seem to cling onto this very prude, or conservative, or maybe just safe, concept of what a relationship is supposed to be. I believe in a very traditional sense of a relationship. Aka, the first meet-up (which doesn't consist of meeting online, on the street, at our local mall, etc), then the dating, then the relationship, then the sex after.
I get emotionally attached really quickly, and fall out of it ever so slowly. I've never "fallen" in love. Though I still believe in it. I just.. really don't know sometimes.
Oh, so Damon. When or if you ever read this, that is why I didn't see Pride until 6:30 at on the second day. Because I'm emotionally unstable, but I didn't want to say anything, remember? I'm working on the whining. haha :P
*sigh* I'll work on life another day.
How's your life going?
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