Day 27

This is just me writing freely for now. Updating later.

So I get in these kinda sad/mellow moods sometimes. I'm not the type of person that thinks being sad or depressed is necessarily a bad thing. Especially since many find creative thoughts and feelings out of it because of it, and I think for someone to truly experience the highs and happinesses (<- I choose that to be a word) of life the individual needs to know how tough and bad things can actually get.

But the problem I have with these rollercoast emotions are that I believe that my own mood swings are partly if not a hugely affected by very shallow things. Meaning I feel that I go through these upswings and downswings based purely on my own thought processes and not through externalities. Like I make myself feel sad. Or I have moment where I say, "Yah man (not that I say man on a regular basis), I'm totally gonna get this shit done!! I'm going to do X, Y, Z, and the go back and fuck up the first parts of the alphabet that never seem get mentioned".

These little spurts of excitement for life changing and drastic measures are great and all, but because of how flat they feel, or how superficial and created they actually are, they don't last very long.

Then I get in these moods where I just have this feeling in my chest, like this ache... For reasons that shouldn't even affect me. I can't seem to be the people and persons that I admire. I can't live up how I percieve them to be, and that just makes me sad. I have issues about my height. And that's a problem because I have already intellectualized the problem .. several times. I've done the notions that its not me, it society that dictates things. Its the media. Its genetics. But there still is a palpable reality in everything and thats what always gets me down. I just, I just don't know sometimes.

I gotta go back to work. Heres a picture of a naked bike run I saw today, and by today I mean almost a week later. I was going to put little yellow walmart smiley faces on the scandalous parts, but they are too small to see... and that's not me being bitchy at all. ;)

I'm going to update the rest of the week before I go to work today (it's Friday). Hopefully there's a progression of moods. I can write about it longer later.

Question. What does the phrase 'chasing pavements' mean to you? And I don't mean what the song says about it, how do you personally interpret it.